Author: jeff noel

Our Sunday regular Guest Blogger, Lorie Sheffer, returns to entertain and enlighten us:

I thought that after some time had passed I would learn to ignore it, but it’s been several years now and it still irks me whenever I see it. It is especially annoying when the parking lot is full and I am having an especially rough day. There it sits, mocking me. It is the dreaded Stork Parking sign at my local Food Lion. “Stork Parking” in bold letters, with a character of a bird that belongs on a Vlasic pickle jar. The smaller print beneath the bird gives details for those who may question it; “For new and expectant mothers”.

I have a vague recollection of being pregnant. It wasn’t that bad. People threw parties for me and gave me gifts. I got to buy new clothes. When you are pregnant, you can take a nap when you want or prop up your swollen feet and nobody questions it. You’re “doing it for the baby.” Now I am 51 years old and nobody cares. Google the “35 symptoms of menopause” and see how much fun that sounds like. I’ve paid my dues and I want a special parking space, preferably in a shady area away from noonday sun. It would really be nice to have shuttle service to and from the entrance of the store. While they’re at it, how about a parking space reserved for Mothers of Teenagers? Now there’s a group of women who deserve some special treatment. Maybe menopausal women can get a sign with a vulture on it, for days when we feel especially discarded.

This morning I had to make a run to Food Lion. I forgot to get Gary’s orange juice when I got groceries yesterday. (see menopausal symptom #13, Disturbing memory lapses) The parking lot was nearly empty. The Stork Parking sign was taunting me. I glanced at my reflection in the rear view mirror. I looked like a character from a Tim Burton movie. I was up all night having hot flashes. I pulled into the coveted parking spot. What were they going to do, come out and make me pee on a stick? Tell me to my face that I am too old to reproduce? While I was in getting Gary’s juice, I thought I may as well get myself some Estroven, Nair Facial Hair Remover, Clinical Strength Secret Antiperspirant and a jumbo sized box of Twin Pops. I forced myself to walk past a gorgeous display of the most beautiful glazed doughnuts I had ever laid eyes on. It’s been SO LONG since I’ve had a doughnut! I also saw a shelf of Extra Large Muffin Tops. “No thanks, I’ve already got one of those.”

As I stood in the check out line, I glanced at the magazines. There on the cover of one of them was Jim Bob and Michelle Dugger, holding what I think is their twentieth child. They say they are ready to have another one. Wow. The things some women will do for a good parking spot!

(scroll down for yesterday’s post or go to Lane 8 )