Lorie Sheffer, Mid Life Celebration’s regular Sunday Guest Blogger, returns with her very special top ten list. Take it away Lorie:
In honor of both Mother’s Day- I am the mother of two and grandmother of one- and my upcoming birthday, I am offering a partial list of things I’ve learned over the years. I figure if Esquire magazine can have their Ten Things I’ve Learned segment featuring famous people, then I can do a Ten Things list as well. Why not share some of the things I’ve figured out? So, in no particular order….
#1. Nobody is as bad as you think they are; nobody is as good as you think they are.
#2. Believe the sunscreen hype. Wear it!
#3. It is totally possible to raise children who will become respectful, wonderful adults without ever spanking them.
#4. The chances of a hand reaching up from under your bed and grabbing you by the leg are slim to none.
#5. Sometimes good things happen to nasty people, and the right person doesn’t always win.
#6. The older you get, the sexier intelligence becomes.
#7. A mullet isn’t just a hairstyle, it’s a lifestyle.
#8. Just because you can get your butt into it doesn’t mean it fits.
#9. Squirrels are evil geniuses.
#10. Graciousness is a life skill well worth learning.
Lorie Sheffer, of course, is our Guest Blogger today. Take it away Lorie.
A friend of mine, who happens to be a psychiatrist, once made an analogy that hit home for me. He said that if we overload our computer with too much data, it shuts down. The computer will just freeze. If we overload our brains, we can become incapacitated from stress and anxiety. That is one of the reasons, if you call for an appointment with my friend the shrink, you can expect to wait about three months before he has an available appointment. Lots of people are overloading their brains with too much stuff.
I was watching Leave it to Beaver the other day. Beaver and his sidekick Larry Mondello spent the day watching some men dig a hole. Later that day I watched Andy and Opie spend a day at Myers’ Lake doing nothing but fishing and eating from a picnic basket that Aunt Bee had packed for them. It seems like back then, people didn’t think that it was a total waste of time to take a day and do nothing. I would bet if we updated those shows, Larry and The Beav would be playing with their DS or be carpooled to one of several athletic practices and not even notice the men digging that hole. Opie would have to struggle to get a word in between Andy’s Twitter updates or text messages from Barney.
In times of stress, it is good to just divert your attention from your worries with an activity or project. But what happens if you can’t be content unless you have something to distract you from your own thoughts? In my yoga class a few years ago, it amazed me that the short mindful meditation part at the end seemed to be the most difficult thing for people to do. They were not able to just relax, clear their mind, and focus on nothing. One lady said she kept going over her to do list. Another said she felt like she was wasting her time not doing something; anything! Perhaps there could be a problem if you find that you cannot take one day to devote to doing nothing. Maybe you need to fill your head with lots of stuff so that you can avoid thinking of something specific? It is entirely possible that people can self medicate by over scheduling and multitasking.
A few years ago I sat on the beach, watching the seagulls make pests of themselves, when a family of four put down their blankets and chairs nearby. The dad got out his Blackberry and started to do whatever it is you do with one of those things. The kids wanted him to join them in the water, but he was clearly too busy, as he had brought the office with him. Mom got out her cell phone and started a long, loud, rather personal conversation with a friend who was going through some relationship problems. The kids knew better than do disturb the adults, so they played alone. Just this week, as I was waiting for my number to be called at the seafood counter, a man brightly said, “Hello! How are you today?” I turned slightly and answered, “Fine, thank you. How are you?” He looked at me like I had three heads. Then I noticed the portable phone thing sticking out of his ear. OH! He wasn’t talking to me! He was holding a conversation with someone so that the few minutes he waited for his shrimp wouldn’t be a waste.
I challenge everyone to take a day off. Leave your house without your cell phone or Blackberry. Plan a day to do nothing. Remember when you were a kid and would look up at the clouds and try to see shapes? Try some actual face-to-face human interaction. Find out if that makes you feel relaxed or anxious. If you feel anxious, maybe it’s time to figure out what you are trying to avoid dealing with or feeling.
We can’t solve problems in a half hour like the folks in Mayfield or Mayberry. Maybe, though, we can learn from the past. Maybe we can learn the pleasure of spending an entire day watching a man dig a hole, or sitting in a tiny rowboat, eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with a six year old.
You know what is great about our Mid Life Celebration Guest Blogger Lorie Sheffer? Everything.
You are in for a treat, as always. As I read this last night for the first time, couldn’t help but reflect on my own perceptions. Lorie has a gift for telling a great story and making us think. Hard. Take it away Lorie:
One of the best midlife celebrations I have experienced is that I no longer care what people think of me. I would prefer that they like me, but it’s no longer necessary for my own sense of well-being. I’m not sure exactly when this change occurred. I think it was a gradual evolution more than an epiphany. I do remember a line in the movie The Hours, in which Meryl Streep’s character is concerned about how she is being perceived, and her daughter gives her this sage advice: “It only matters if you think it’s true.”
A few weeks ago I was chatting with my mother on the phone and she mentioned that her knees hurt and she was tired. She usually has the energy of someone half her age, so I asked her what had happened. “I was down on my hands and knees scrubbing the floors all day.” I started to laugh. “Do people still DO that, Mom?” We then went on to have a thrilling, in depth discussion about hand scrubbing VS mopping. I told her that there is just no way I am going to crawl around on my floors like Cinderella. My house is clean, but it’s not sanitized. If the mop doesn’t get it, then it can just stay there. Why, pray tell, would someone think they had to hand scrub a floor? “Well, what if someone comes in here and thinks that I’m a bad housekeeper?” First of all, since my mother’s friends are all close to her age, I don’t think they can see how clean the floor is! That aside, if they don’t like it then they can either clean it the way they want or they can leave. A few weeks later, she called specifically to tell me that the man she and Dad hired to do the heavy yard work (what would the neighbors think if the weeds weren’t pulled and everything covered in fresh mulch?!) had come into the house while she wrote his check for the week. As he stood in her kitchen he made the comment, “This is how a house should look.” That will keep her going for years! Chances are, if he came in to my kitchen on any given day, he would ask, “What happened, and is everyone OK?” I am usually in the process of making something from scratch, which involves many bowls and kitchen tools and ingredients. On the rare occasion that the recipes flops, I have been known to react with profanity. I’m more Roseanne Conner than June Cleaver.
Housekeeping standards aside, Mom puts on makeup and dresses nicely to go to the grocery store, in case she sees anyone she knows. One time we were out to a family dinner and my aunt complimented my outfit and wanted to know where I got it. When I told her Lane Bryant, my mother almost choked on her dessert. She wanted to know why I would let someone know it came from thatstore. Like anyone with eyes can’t see that my curves need a size 14. “Sorry, Mom. Next time I will tell them I wear a size 2 petite. That’ll fool ‘em!” Mom’s not mean, she just notices and cares about these things.
I have come to the conclusion that no matter what you do, you will never please everyone. The best any of us can do is to be happy with ourselves and let the critical chips fall where they may. It takes so much energy to worry about what others are saying. It distracts from the joy of the moment. To be perfectly honest, I don’t think we are the topic of conversation as much as we may think. I have also found that for the most part, the more relaxed we are the more relaxed the people around us become. Usually when people are concerned with appearances, that means they not only care about how they look, they tend to assess how everyone else looks, too. I’m not concerned with what my friends are wearing but I do notice, by the tone of their voice, if they are upset about something. I think the best any of us can do is to be kind, and instead of focusing on how others view us, we can direct that energy to listening to what they are saying to us, and to make them feel comfortable. Ironically, that is why people like to spend time with us, even if there are dust bunnies hiding in the corners and we are having a bad hair day.
Happy Sunday and welcome back Lorie Sheffer, our regular Guest Blogger here at Mid Life Celebration. If you missed Lorie’s post last week, it’s because she was over at Lane 8. Take it away Lorie:
“What’s too painful to remember, we simply choose to forget.” Remember those lyrics? That is actually pretty good advice. How many of us carry around baggage from things that happened in our childhood, early twenties, or even our not so distant past? It seems like we have somehow been conditioned to think that it is good for us to dredge up old hurts. I suppose in a way it can be cathartic, but if we don’t find a way to let go and move on, we allow the past to invade the present. Spring, and midlife, is a good time to clean house. Not just our physical homes, but also our minds. If it’s not serving a purpose, if it is dragging us down, then maybe we should just let it go.
I very recently lost a person who meant a great deal to me. She was not only a family member she was also my dear friend. We always suspected that there was a reason we were never invited into either of her homes. She always came to us, and we loved her unconditionally so we never questioned her. She was kind and loving and incredibly intelligent. And she had a secret. That secret was that she had severe hoarding issues. Her death reveled to us the depth of her condition. She couldn’t let go of things. She lay alone for a week after her death, in a pile of things. Detectives found us because she had stacks of letters and cards sent to her by my children, my grandchild, and me and we were traced through the return address labels. As we stood there on a cold February day, the snow falling outside of her Manhattan apartment building, the grief was almost unbearable. The material things that she couldn’t let go of were clearly visible. We could see them. The hundreds of leftover containers, all painstakingly washed; the clothing from decades ago; the receipts from every purchase made since she was a young woman. The things I was unable to let go of weren’t visible; I could keep my secrets hidden. When I pass from this earth, they will pass with me. But carrying around emotional junk from the past is no less incapacitating than the mountain of things that had consumed her. The things she kept represented good memories for her, while the things I hung on to caused me to have panic attacks and anxiety. So who had the mental disorder?
At least once in our lives, we are disappointed and hurt by someone we love. Parents unintentional or intentional hurts; the best friend who lets us down or isn’t there for us when we need them the most; the boyfriend or spouse who betrays us. We see it in the news every day. The misfortunes and embarrassments of the rich and famous have become a form of entertainment for us. Schadenfreude is a German word, which means happiness at the misfortune of others; taking pleasure watching someone else suffer; the “I’m glad I’m not you” syndrome.
Letting go of pain and hurt is not condoning or excusing the person who inflicted it. Forgiveness is not for the person who caused the harm; it is for the person who was hurt. If we hang on to pain and heartache, we only continue to give it power over us. We can’t change what has already transpired, we can only decide how much we will allow it to affect us at this moment. Ask yourself if knowing or remembering is going to help you or hurt you. If a dog is known to bite then remembering that is going to help you. If grandpa has been dead for twenty years and someone decides that you “need to know” that he was on the ugly side of racial tensions in 1960s, then that serves no purpose other than to give you a horrifying memory of someone who you thought was a good person.
Clean your house. Get rid of the clutter you don’t need. It can obstruct your vision of the beautiful things that deserve a special place. If it’s too painful to remember, then toss it. When we drove out of New York City that day, I decided to leave my baggage there.
This is the third and final part to Lorie and Gary Sheffer’s amazing story of faith, hope, determination, indomitable will, and especially, Love. Yes, it really sounds to me like a love story. Gary and Lorie passed the test we’d all like to pass, but wouldn’t want to take. Take it away Lorie:
One day a therapist asked the rehab group what their goals were. For one lady it was to be able to go shopping with her daughter, for another it was to make her own lunch, and for one of the men it was to be able to balance his checkbook. When Gary’s turn rolled around, he said his goal was to recover 100%. He wanted to ski, to in line skate, to run, and to return to his job as an engineer. It was around this time that I was taken aside and it was suggested to me that he might need some psychological counseling to help him come to terms with the reality of his situation. I said thank you, but I would rather work with him to reach those goals. Then they suggested counseling for me as well.
Three months after his stroke, I was running along side of Gary around a high school track. The fact that I ran for two miles still amazes us both most of all. We soon learned how insensitive and rude people can be when they see someone with a disability. I choose not to waste space discussing some of what we encountered.
After six months, Gary was able to return to his job. During his absence, they had gotten a new computer aided design system, so he had something new to learn in addition to trying to resume his old duties. Learn it he did. He got back up to speed and received a good performance review from his boss. When he was discharged from HealthSouth, he was still not satisfied with his recovery. Also, ski season was just around the corner. I made good on the promise I had made in the shock trauma unit on the day of his stroke; I got out my skies and we headed to the slopes. Less than a year after the brain hemorrhage, Gary took his first run down a beginner slope. One year to the day after, we took both of our kids out of school and spent the day skiing the slopes where the AVM had burst. Still, he was not satisfied. He went to another physical therapy facility and worked with them for another two years. They discharged him, but he was still not ready to quit. He found a neurological disorders therapy specialist at Johns Hopkins, Bayview Medical Center. She explained that neurological disorders can’t be treated the same as orthopedic injuries. Gary has been seeing her every three weeks for the last nine years, and he is still making progress. He spends time each day working on exercises, most of which are designed to encourage proper body mechanics and automatic use. His motivation is what has gotten him to this point. On our most recent visit to Hopkins, his therapist got a bit misty eyed at the leap he had taken from the previous visit. She said that his gait was perfect. We know that he is pushing her to use all of her skills, and his successes are her successes as well.
Dreams reached: Walking, biking, skiing, speaking, understanding, working, seeing both kids graduate, having a grandchild, seeing our son get married, family vacations, back yard parties, holiday celebrations. My favorites? He now shovels and uses the snow blower, mows the lawn and washes our cars. Truth be told, I love this Gary even more than the person he was before the stroke. He is more patient and worries less about little things. He knows that although we were proud of his achievements, when they were all taken from him we still loved him for who he is and not what he did.
A few years ago, I sent a note to Gary’s neurosurgeon. I wanted to tell him that Gary had skied the Swiss Alps with our son, who is now attending the same medical school as Dr. Krzeminski himself had attended years ago. I enclosed a picture and let him know that anything is possible. I know when he saw that picture, he smiled.
