Tag: Midlife

New and Improved, By Lorie Sheffer, Guest Blogger

Have you ever wondered what happened to your favorite summer hangouts or vacation spots? One day I decided to look for information on a campground where my family and I spent several summer vacations. I wondered if others remember it as fondly as I do. It was the place where my older cousin saw the ocean for the very first time. It is the one place from our childhood that has no equal.

Enter a combination of Google and Facebook. I am now one of a growing group (48 members at last count!) of baby boomers who gather Online to reminisce about the shared experience of this old campground. Best of all, they share PHOTOS!  My family wasn’t big on picture taking and my memories were becoming faded. Reading the posts by the other members made something very clear very early on: this place holds an almost transcendent nostalgia for all of us. There is almost a reverence in talking about it.

Some of us have made the mistake of trying to find out what happened to our old campground. I was tempted a few years back, when my son was in college about an hour north of it. Knowing me as well as he does he advised me to keep my old memories and not go look at the area as it is now. Curious, I looked it up a few weeks ago. I should have listened to my son. What I discovered left me sobbing. The beautiful beach is now home of several high-rise hotels and condos. The wooded area is now a gated community of townhouses and a conference center. The website for the area describes it as beautiful and full of amenities. And yet those of us who spent those magical summers in tents and campers, showering in the bathhouses and using the public toilets, do not see the new and improved version as an improvement at all. One man said that he drove by a few years ago and was shocked at the emotional reaction he had when he saw the area. He longed for the old Trading Post, the rickety wooden footbridges, miniature golf and rowboat rentals. Our pristine, once almost wild beach now resembles a small city.

I know that the South had some ugly things happening in the 1960s and 1970s. Some of those things were shocking for me to see, and even at such a young age I felt anger at the inequality that was almost proudly on display. I had never seen a “Whites Only” sign until I went to eat dinner in that town. This was a time when many of our leaders who had the audacity to speak out in favor of equality for all of our citizens were gunned down. We were at war in Southeast Asia and we saw black and white imagines on the nightly news of soldiers returning home in body bags. Maybe that is what added to the innocence of those wooded acres of solitude and natural beauty. Maybe the contrast of the beauty of the unspoiled beach and the smell of the pine that hung so heavily was what soothed us.

I watched man’s first steps on the moon from a tiny, snowy black and white TV that my uncle plugged into the campsite’s lone electrical outlet. Reception wasn’t great, but the crowd that gathered round to watch with us hardly seemed to care. It was July 21, 1969 and I was 10 years old. In my heart I know that had I been on the 15 floor of one of those climate controlled luxury towers on that same South Carolina beach, watching a giant plasma TV when Neil Armstrong’s boot touched the surface of the moon, it would not have been as magical.

Back To Black, By Lorie Sheffer

“Guess she shoulda’ said “Yes, yes, yes, to rehab!”  “Why all the fuss over some drug addicted singer when decent people were executed in Norway? They’re the ones who deserve our sympathy!”

The comments went on and on while all I could think was that this talented, troubled young woman was the same age as my son. Her family was grieving for her the same as the families of the shooting victims in Norway or the soldiers who died in wars or any other family who loses a loved one.

Why do we blame the victims of some illnesses? Lung cancer: That’s what you get for smoking. Addiction: Why don’t they just stop? Eating disorders: EAT already! Depression, anxiety and other mental disorders: They’re nuts! AIDS patients have been treated with scorn because surely they must have “asked for it” through their promiscuous homosexual behavior or IV drug use. HIV/AIDS was labeled “that gay man’s disease” early on, which was a very dangerous thing, as heterosexual transmission is the most common transmission worldwide.

My son and I had a discussion about the blame game not too long ago. Many of his patients are those who “asked for it”. He said that perhaps thinking that someone “asked for it” is a way for people to feel protected from such a fate.

Why do we give the person on a list for a heart transplant more sympathy than the person who is struggling with addiction in rehab? Perhaps it is because addiction causes behavioral changes in people who suffer from it? I noticed that, following my husband’s stroke 15 years ago, people were sympathetic to the fact that his brain had hemorrhaged and caused him physical disability. What they were unable to deal with were the changes in his personality. Sometimes he would burst into tears or fits of anger, which is expected when a person suffers from a traumatic brain injury. And yet comments were made to me about him “acting out”.  Sympathy could be felt for the wheelchair but not for the tears. He should have been able to control the emotions, I suppose, even though the brain injury was as responsible for them as for his physical disability. Certainly the behavior issues were not to be ignored. Physical rehabilitation and emotional rehabilitation have to go hand in hand. And yet, if someone says they are seeking treatment for a physical illness they will generally get a much different reaction than if they say they are in treatment for a mental illness. I recently read an article that said that most of us won’t think twice about holding the door for someone with a physical disability, but not many doors are held open for someone who is hallucinating on the street. In fact, those doors are usually slammed shut.

“Compassion is not weakness and concern for others is not socialism.” – Hubert H. Humphrey

It’s Uncomfortable To Be Uncomfortable, Isn’t It?, By Heather Pinson

It’s uncomfortable to be uncomfortable, isn’t it?  We are so blessed to live in this country with the freedoms and luxuries that are afforded to us, just for being born an American.  Sometimes, those blessings also afford us the inability to be uncomfortable.  I would go so far as to say that most of us seek being comfortable most of the time.  Recently, I have been led to seek out the UNcomfortable, just to see what growth might happen when I humble myself enough to say NO.  No to the t.v., no to social drinking, no to foods/devices/chatter that might allow me to avoid life.  And say YES to quiet, engagement, intimate conversation. Guess what?  I am so uncomfortable!  I actually feel icky sometimes, like I don’t know what to do with myself.  Strange! And wonderful.  I am learning that in those moments, when I choose to not numb with distractions, something opens up in me.  If I would just get past the momentary ickiness, that need to feel ‘better,’ something really groovy happens.

Today, they are cleaning the ducts in my house.  They have had to shut down the air conditioning, going on 4 hours now.  It’s 88 degrees with high humidity.  My kids are saying, “it’s HOT in here!”  I smiled and said, “Isn’t it fun to be uncomfortable?”  This is the part where they roll their eyes.  It’s tough having a mother on a journey of enlightenment.

Try it this week: NO to avoiding, numbing & distracting.  YES to being fully alive!

Compromise, By Lorie Sheffer

When did compromise become a dirty word? When did it become something that is seen as a sign of weakness? What has become of our sense of fairness to everyone?

It’s hard for me to wrap my head around the idea of give and take being something that should be avoided at all costs.  I suppose the idea of compromise, as a sign of fairness to everyone, is just too ingrained in me. I am not an only child. I grew up with an older brother. We get along fairly well, but always have had very different interests. I have memories of wasting a good beach day by touring a stupid, boring battle ship when we were on family vacations. We had one television set and sometimes I had to give it up so that he could watch a football game. If one of my friends was at the house for a sleepover, my brother had to listen to the baseball game on the radio because we were watching a movie on TV.

As an adult, I have used the ability to compromise on an almost daily basis. One time an unmarried female friend of mine asked me why, if I love English floral patterns so much, there aren’t more of them in my house. Why do I have a pair of antique wooden skis on my wall in the family room when I detest skiing? The answer is simple; I do not live alone. My husband lives here, too. I have a few Dale Gallon civil war prints (Yuck!) on the walls of the living room, and there are antique botanical prints (YAY!) in the dining room. I will not have the Shaker style kitchen cabinets that were my first choice for our new kitchen, nor will my husband have his first choice of cabinet style. We compromised on a style that we both like.

When we get so entrenched in having to have our own way no matter the cost, it seems to me that we end up as miserable as the person with whom we are doing battle. Sometimes it all boils down to this: Do you want to win at all costs, or do you want to find a way to peacefully coexist in a world where you just cannot always expect to get your own way?

The Key to Living and Letting Go, By Valaney Martin, Guest Blogger

The Key to Living and Letting Go

Life is supposed to be simple. It’s the human interaction and over-emphasis on material things that make it complicated. If you want to have a semblance of order in your life, you have to take control and make change happen. You will have to start somewhere and the more things you wrap up and deal with, the easier and more enjoyable life will be.

  • A cluttered closet, cupboard, or cabinet is definitely an eyesore. What most of us don’t notice is that it can also be a stress trigger. Imagine all the time you wasted looking for a missing sock or a matching tea service. This is aggravation that is unnecessary and absolutely avoidable. Address this problem by allotting some time for spring cleaning. Let go of the things you don’t use and you will feel instantly refreshed.
  • If you can’t deal with all the clutter in one go, at least schedule several weekends for it. A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself if you have used an item within the past year. If you answered “no”, then there’s a big chance that you can live without it. Avoid falling into the I-might-need-it-later trap. Dispose of the clutter by simply throwing it away or you can earn a tidy sum via a garage sale. Or you can go the charitable route and feel even better by donating it all.
  • Let go of your financial burdens by managing your debt. The practice of revolving is not new and studies show that the average age of consumers’ oldest obligation is 14 years old. This is an indication that a lot of people have been managing debt for a long time. Now, factor in the average interest rate and the average amount of debt carried. People can conceivably buy a nice car with the interest they have been paying all those years.
  • Stop the vicious cycle of credit card debt and start living within your means. Now don’t go overboard and cancel all your credit cards. You may be surprised to know that having no credit is just as bad as having bad credit. You still need proof of your financial integrity and having a good credit score is the most surefire way.
  • The best approach to gaining financial freedom would be to use your credit cards responsibly. Dealing with cash can be risky for bigger purchases and a credit card can be a great source of emergency funds. That’s why it is still a good idea to maintain a credit card or two. Treat them like debit cards and only buy things that you can afford to buy in cash. Don’t forget the most important part and pay off all debts at the end of each month. You get the convenience without the burden of debt. A win-win strategy of letting go.
  • Letting go of material things should be the easiest. The hard part is letting go of personal baggage and moving on. We tend to hang on to things because of fear. More specifically, fear of the unknown. We have grown so accustomed to living a routine that we prefer to stick to it even if the status quo is draining us. This advise is easier said than done, but the ultimate solution is really simple. Letting go will set you free.

Valaney Martin is a blogger at CreditDonkey.  She enjoys writing inspirational post and reminds you the above tips are in no way a comprehensive list. Letting go and moving on is a very personal matter and all of us have different issues that we need to deal with. These tips are meant to get the ball rolling with the small things. Because it’s easier to start small and work your way up. Whatever you decide on doing, you will be glad you took yourself out of the rut you are in and started fresh.