The first step to forgiveness is our understanding what it is and what it is not. (See last week’s post)
The second step is to realize what it is costing us not to forgive and move on. What is the price we pay when we hang on to our suffering; the energy expended, the emotional toll? When we hang on to something that is detrimental to our emotional and physical wellbeing, we are not being kind to ourselves.
Why would we choose to add self-inflicted hurt to the hurt that was laid upon us by someone else? To do so would be to kick ourselves in the face when we are down.
One of the greatest gifts we can give to ourselves is forgiveness. When we are wronged or hurt, we tend to be harsh judges of those who have wronged us, especially when that person is our self.
Forgiveness means giving up the hope for a better past. Not an easy thing to do. But by not forgiving, we are allowing ourselves to continue to be hurt by the offense, and we are preventing ourselves from being able to be fully open to joy.
Forgiveness is not condoning. It doesn’t mean we will forget. It doesn’t even mean we ever have to speak to or have contact with the person who harmed us. We may certainly take steps to protect ourselves from being harmed again.
Forgiveness isn’t easy. It is a process that can take quite a long time. We need to acknowledge the pain and experience the grief of betrayal. It can be difficult, but the effort will most certainly pay off when we are able to let go of the pain and anger and open our hearts to love more deeply and enjoy life more fully. Forgiveness gives us back our power.
There are steps we can take to guide us along our path to letting go and moving on. More on that next week.
Midlife can bring some really strange symptoms (photo: Gary Sheffer)
My husband came into the yard on Monday to ask me a question. I had been out there transplanting lavender, scrubbing the birdbath and watering my hanging baskets.
“Hey….. is there a reason that big pot of potatoes has been boiling on the stove for a LONG time?”
“Oh….. Um, yeah. Because I totally forgot about them.”
This led to a discussion among my female friends; apparently eggs explode when they cook dry, it doesn’t take long for a bathtub to overflow if it’s left running, and even the most well trained dog will pee on the floor if you forget to let it outside.
Memory lapses can give us a little moment of panic. We ARE getting older, and most of us know someone who has suffered from dementia. But we women have known for years that midlife can bring some really strange symptoms. Night sweats, dizziness, heart palpitations, and brain fog. Just last year, when my doctor asked how I was doing, I answered, “Sweaty and stupid.” He assured me that while this was unsettling, it was also normal and in time would pass.
I was sleeping rather peacefully yesterday when my husband woke me up to share a newsflash. Menopausal brain fog is REAL! Studies have proven it! Wow. Alert the presses on that one. Next thing you know studies will prove that as some men age, their hair may thin or they may lose it altogether.
I was flattered when my 13-year-old grandson asked if he might interview me for an end of school year project. He had to ask questions to someone over the age of 50. Ugh…. I apparently fit into some sort of AARP age requirement. Still, his questions were thoughtful and it soon became fun for me. Questions such as “What’s your first memory?” “What events in your childhood do you remember most and what affect do they have on your views today?” There were a few fluffier questions like “What was your favorite song?”
And then we got to meat of the project. He asked me if I had any artifacts. ARTIFACTS! In case you fellow midlife celebrants weren’t aware of it, any mementos we have hung onto from our teen years are now Smithsonian worthy. Apparently a vintage 1976 Foghat concert ticket is right up there with Tommy Dorsey or Glenn Miller memorabilia. Those puka shell chokers the guys and gals wore may as well go into the costume box for Downton Abbey. Platform shoes? Remember that infamous biker bar scene from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, when Pee Wee did the Big Shoe Dance while Tequila played on the jukebox? Yeah, that. Those photos of us before belly fat and turkey necks, the ones in which we think we look spectacular? They will be met with giggles and snorts, followed by comments like, “What’s with your HAIR?” and “Did people really WEAR that stuff?” If we’re lucky, they may be compared to the characters on That 70’s Show.
Perhaps my favorite reaction was when I answered the question “What was your first job?” When I said that I was a lifeguard, the look of shock, followed by giggles, was followed up by phone calls to various relatives who were asked to verify the information.
My thoughts went back to a hot summer night, watching old home movies on my in-laws back porch. My kids sat wide-eyed and unbelieving when my mother in law appeared on screen clad in a bathing suit, jumping in the surf. “What are you two so surprised about? I wasn’t ALWAYS a Nana!” My sentiments exactly, Molly. My sentiments exactly.
In the blink of an eye, the car is totaled and no one got hurt. Photo: Lorie Sheffer
The title of Steven Tyler’s book made me think long and hard about the distractions we all seem to live with, conjured up in our own heads.
Multitasking seems to be regarded as a virtue. Yet studies have shown that, in reality, multitasking leads to a 40% reduction in productivity.
Years ago a young woman in my yoga class was having trouble. Her trouble wasn’t with flexibility or strength. She said her problem came at the end of class, during the shavasana. This is at the end of class, the part where you clear your mind and concentrate on your breathing. She said she kept going all the things she needed to do when she got home. She couldn’t silence her inner chatter even for that brief period of time.
Sometimes the inner noise can lead to minor mishaps. A few weeks ago I was baking blueberry muffins while mentally going over my last minute “to do list” for my yard sale. The result was one of the very few baking screw-ups I’ve ever had, and I’m still not sure what I did that caused the gluey, tough muffins that ended up in the trash. Other times our inner chatter causes us to forget something that later turns out to be funny. Like the time my friend woke up to discover she had left her car sitting in the driveway all night with the engine running. Then there are the tragedies and near tragedies. We have all read the nightmare of an overworked, over-scheduled parent forgetting their baby is in the backseat of the car on a brutally hot day. We hear news accounts of someone who lost their home in a fire because they forgot they had something on the stove. Distraction. Thinking about what’s next on that endless list.
Does the noise in my head bother you? The answer can be “yes”. The noise in our heads and resulting inability to focus on the task at hand can not only be bothersome and stressful to us, it can be downright dangerous to those around us.
