Stonewood Park, Harry Schenck’s Eagle Scout project he didn’t live to see
Step #9 on the path to forgiveness: Grief.
In moving toward forgiveness, we are not attempting to deny that we were hurt by the actions of ourselves or another person. We are learning to accept that we were caused pain, to grieve and work through that pain, and then to let it go so that so that we can move ahead unencumbered by it.
Stonewood Park was Harry Schenck’s vision for his Eagle Scout project. He died tragically in a car accicent at age 16, a high school junior. The backstory is here.
Lorie Sheffer & Grandson Carter at the end of a conversation and the beginning of forgiveness (photo: Gary Sheffer)
Step 8 on the path to learning forgiveness is to allow someone close to you, someone who is easily forgivable, to show you the way. Pay attention to how easy it is to forgive them, and how little stress you feel about being able to let go, move on, and not allow that moment of anger to spoil the day.
Next, try it with someone who grates on your nerves a bit more. It may be more challenging, but the rewards are worth the effort. Anger doesn’t feel good. Bottled up resentment is hazardous to your happiness.
When you get to the point of being able to let go of the negative feelings toward that slightly irritating person, you will then have the practice necessary to move on to more serious hurts and betrayals. You don’t have to learn to like someone in order to forgive him or her. It’s probably not going to be easy, but with what you have learned so far in the previous steps, it will be doable. It may take time and considerable effort, but don’t give up on yourself! I say “don’t give up on YOURSELF”, because you are the one who will, in the end, benefit the most, both mentally and physically.
John Hopkins Medical Center (photo: Lorie Sheffer)
Learn the inner and outer forms of forgiveness.
Sometimes we turn anger inward, which harms us. Other times we turn our anger outward, which harms those around us.
To help overcome inward anger, we may find that prayer or meditation helps to calm us.
Outwardly, we might try to stop talking in a negative way about others or behaving with aggression and negativity.
Research has conclusively shown that angry, aggressive people have greater thickening of neck arteries, which may lead to stroke. They also have higher risk of heart disease than those who are less stressed.
How many times do we need to read or hear about aggression leading to violence? Road rages gone horribly awry, people being shot in the heat of an angry argument, or domestic violence are all ways that outward anger is expressed.
Try to pay attention to how you feel inside and how you are behaving toward others. Be mindful of your inward and outward expressions of anger and resentment. The goal is to refuse to allow negative emotions to rule your life.
As French existentialist/philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre said, “Freedom is what we do with what has been done to us.”
The fifth step toward forgiveness is our understanding that, like with most things in life, it takes time, effort and practice. Learning to forgive is a process. We may take three steps forward and two steps back, but so long as we keep our eye on the destination, the day will come when we are free of the weight of our burden.
